Spleen

when low skies weightier than a coffin-lid
cast on the moaning soul their weary blight,
and from the whole horizon's murky grid
its grey light drips more dismal than the night;

when earth's a dungeon damp whose chill appals,
in which — a fluttering bat — my Hope, alone
buffets with timid wing the mouldering walls
and beats her head against the dome of stone;

when close as prison-bars, from overhead,
the clouds let fall the curtain of the rains,
and voiceless hordes of spiders come, to spread
their infamous cobwebs through our darkened brains,

explosively the bells begin to ring,
hurling their frightful clangour toward the sky,
as homeless spirits lost and wandering
might raise their indefatigable cry;
and ancient hearses through my soul advance
muffled and slow; my Hope, now pitiful,
weeps her defeat, and conquering Anguish plants
his great black banner on my cowering skull.

—Charles Baudelaire

 

This site is about depression: Winston Churchill's black dog, Baudelaire's Anguish, Tennessee Williams' Spook, and my own black dragon who from time to time sits on my shoulders and plunges his claws into my head.

My dragon has been my constant companion for some 30 years now; sometimes I manage to keep him at bay, but he's always lurking around the edges of the forest. He managed to break through my barriers this weekend and I had a very rough time of it—I almost didn't live through it. But thanks to the timely assistance of a very dear friend, I'm still here

I know I'm not the only one on the Internet who goes through this. I've decided to keep a journal of my trials and successes fighting the dragon. I'll also be adding some links to various resources on the web, and telling about my luck (on lack thereof) with various medications I've been on over the years.

But mostly I'm writing this for myself, as one more aid to keeping me sane and alive. If by chance it helps someone else get through a rough spot or two, I'll be very happy, and will consider all of my suffering worthwhile for having help you.

And if you ever need a friend, or just to blow of steam, write me.