Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Reality Check

As the old country-western song goes, "Gloom, despair, and agony on me!"

I didn't get my unemployment check and continuing claim form last week. What I got instead was a letter from the unemployment folks telling me that I had to be interviewed to determine if I was still eligible to collect unemployment.

That was Saturday. The appointment wasn't until this morning.

So between being broke, having a car insurance payment overdue, and my telephone about to be shut off, it's been a stressful few days.

Well, I had the interview this morning, and am still eligible to collect unemployment. I'll only get $19 for the week I was terminated, but it's better than nothing. Better is that I'll get full checks for the rest of the time. Best of all will be if I get my claim forms sent to me, filled out and mailed in time to make my bills before everything collapses around me.

But at least I can stop worrying.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Why Write?

Why do I even keep a blog, anyway? I don't know if anybody is actually reading it, so why even bother?

Because I'm not really writing for anybody who might happen to stumble across my site; I am writing for myself. If I ever expect to make a living writing, then I need to write.

Writing isn't something you just jump into. It's a craft, an art. And like every other craft or art, it takes practice. Lots and lots of practice.

The best practice for writing is writing. I realized that this afternoon, when I responded to a post in a Linux support forum. A new user had asked a question, and I wanted to point her in the right direction.

Sadly, so many tech support forums have degenerated to the point where all she might have got for an answer would be, "Read the FAQ, idiot!" or "Why don't you Google it, dummy?"

I wanted to point her in the right direction without making her feel that I was brushing her off. I wanted to do something more than just "shine it on."

So I wrote a very careful response. I started out by telling her not to misunderstand me, because I was sincerely interested in helping her solve her problem, but I thought she might have better luck in the official support forum for her particular distribution of Linux.

My concern was that it is very difficult—particularly on the Internet—to convey tone and emotion with nothing more than words with which to work. But after I had posted my response it dawned on me: "Well, it really wouldn't be that difficult to convey your exact meaning if you were a better writer."

And so this exercise. Or, rather, series of exercises. It's going to be a series of rough drafts covering many different topics. A writing primer, as it were.

As William Faulkner explained it:

[T]he young man or woman writing today has forgotten the problems of the human heart in conflict with itself which alone can make good writing because only that is worth writing about, worth the agony and the sweat. He must learn them again. He must teach himself that the basest of all things is to be afraid: and, teaching himself that, forget it forever, leaving no room in his workshop for anything but the old verities and truths of the heart, the universal truths lacking which any story is ephemeral and doomed--love and honor and pity and pride and compassion and sacrifice. Until he does so, he labors under a curse. He writes not of love but of lust, of defeats in which nobody loses anything of value, and victories without hope and worst of all, without pity or compassion. His griefs grieve on no universal bones, leaving no scars. He writes not of the heart but of the glands.

....I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance. The poet's, the writer's, duty is to write about these things. It is his privilege to help man endure by lifting his heart, by reminding him of the courage and honor and hope and pride and compassion and pity and sacrifice which have been the glory of his past. The poet's voice need not merely be the record of man, it can be one of the props, the pillars to help him endure and prevail.

William Faulkner was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. Who am I to argue with him?

Saturday, February 24, 2007

It Makes a Nice Cuppa

I drank the first pot of my new tea yesterday, and started this morning with a fresh cup. A thoroughly enjoyable tea. Bernard-Paul Heroux was right to say "There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea."

For me, it isn't so much the drinking of the tea so much as the brewing ritual. Calming. Relaxing. Centering. A slowing of time. It helps me put everything into its proper perspective.

And I really need proper perspective these days. Bills to pay and no job. Groceries to buy and no job.

At least I've got a couple of month's worth of tea laid in...

Feeling better today, but still anxious.

For more information about Assam tea, see the entry at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assam_tea

For more on tea in general: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tea

Thursday, February 22, 2007

It Isn't Always So Dark

Just so you know, things aren't always so dark and gloomy for me. Today, for example, was a really fine day. I discovered an excellent brand of Assam tea and bought a bag of it.

The first bowl sleekly moistened throat and lips,
The second banished all my loneliness
The third expelled the dullness from my mind,
Sharpening inspiration gained
From all the books I've read.
The fourth brought forth light perspiration,
Dispersing a lifetimes troubles through my pores.
The fifth bowl cleansed every atom of my being.
The sixth has made me kin to the Immortals.
This seventh...
I can take no more.
—Lu Tung, Chinese Poet

Lu Tang was more of a tea fanatic than I claim to be. While I have on occasion drunk 6 cups of tea, it was over an 18-hour period.

I limited myself to a single cup today. I can't really give an accurate impression of the tea itself, as I didn't drink it as straight tea. I also bought some masala chai spice at the same store, and added a pinch to the cup. At $4 a pound for the tea and $2.00 a pound for the spices, it sure beats a commercial blend at $8.00 for 4 ounces.

So the real review will have to wait until tomorrow morning. I will say this, though: my homemade masala chai was every bit as tasty as the premium store-bought blend.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Spleen II

I am like the king of a rainy country
Rich, and yet powerless, young and yet most old
Who, distrustful of the bows his tutors make
Sits bored among his dogs as with his other beasts
Nothing can lift his spirits, neither hawk nor game
The dying subjects gathered to his balcony.
The grotesque ballad of his best-loved fool
No more distracts him in this sickness cruel.
His lilied bed is changed into a tomb;
The ladies of his court all lords might love
And yet they can no longer find shameless attire
To draw a smile from their young, wasted sire.
The alchemist who made him gold could not
Purge from his soul this corrupt element
And in a blood bath, as in ancient Rome,
Remembered by the mighty in their latter days
Knew not to warm this dazzled corpse
Where flows not blood but Lethe's waters green.

—Charles Baudelaire

It seems to come in threes. Bad news, I mean. I just got my first paycheck from my new job. I also just got my last paycheck from my new job. That's some kind of a record for me: 8 days from hire to fire. They like my work perfectly well—I just wasn't working fast enough.

Funny how that works. I've been thinking all week that I'm getting too old for this kind of work, and now this. I've been thinking about suicide all week, too. And now this.

Funny thing, though: my first thought was, "This isn't a serious enough reason." And it's not. I've been through worse, much worse.

So I'm a little numb, and a little relieved, and a little worried, and really, really glad that I was able to refill my antidepressant prescriptions before my health care ran out.

Sure wish I had some dogs to sit among, though.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Spleen

when low skies weightier than a coffin-lid
cast on the moaning soul their weary blight,
and from the whole horizon's murky grid
its grey light drips more dismal than the night;

when earth's a dungeon damp whose chill appals,
in which — a fluttering bat — my Hope, alone
buffets with timid wing the mouldering walls
and beats her head against the dome of stone;

when close as prison-bars, from overhead,
the clouds let fall the curtain of the rains,
and voiceless hordes of spiders come, to spread
their infamous cobwebs through our darkened brains,

explosively the bells begin to ring,
hurling their frightful clangour toward the sky,
as homeless spirits lost and wandering
might raise their indefatigable cry;
and ancient hearses through my soul advance
muffled and slow; my Hope, now pitiful,
weeps her defeat, and conquering Anguish plants
his great black banner on my cowering skull.

—Charles Baudelaire

 

This site is about depression: Winston Churchill's black dog, Baudelaire's Anguish, Tennessee Williams' Spook, and my own black dragon who from time to time sits on my shoulders and plunges his claws into my head.

My dragon has been my constant companion for some 30 years now; sometimes I manage to keep him at bay, but he's always lurking around the edges of the forest. He managed to break through my barriers this weekend and I had a very rough time of it—I almost didn't live through it. But thanks to the timely assistance of a very dear friend, I'm still here

I know I'm not the only one on the Internet who goes through this. I've decided to keep a journal of my trials and successes fighting the dragon. I'll also be adding some links to various resources on the web, and telling about my luck (on lack thereof) with various medications I've been on over the years.

But mostly I'm writing this for myself, as one more aid to keeping me sane and alive. If by chance it helps someone else get through a rough spot or two, I'll be very happy, and will consider all of my suffering worthwhile for having help you.

And if you ever need a friend, or just to blow of steam, write me.